My Cancer Wishlist

So as you may recall, yesterday I encouraged you folks to get in touch with suggestions, comments or dares that would make you want to donate to our cause. We received a reply from a mysterious commentor by the name of “Yolo Swaggings”. What this fine, upstanding fellow requested was that I write my next post in that most reviled of all fonts: Comic Sans.

You have got to be kidding me.

You have got to be kidding me.

And in the name of beating cancer, I was prepared to lower myself to this detestable level. However. It would appear that there is literally no way to change the font of a post in WordPress without changing the layout of the entire blog. And I refuse to do that. I mean, look at my “Moneymaker” and “Mushy Bits” arrows. That shit is fancy. So, Yolo Swaggings (whichever one of my HILARIOUS flatmates you are), I can only apologise, hope that you will still donate and invite you to enjoy this photograph of a guide dog meeting Pluto at Disneyland.

Found at imgur.com

Found at imgur.com

Now! On with the post!

I consider myself first and foremost to be Scottish. I feel like this has been reflected in the “Hey Cancer, I’m gonnae kick your head in” tone of the blog thus far. However, I also feel like my Britishness is an important part of my identity, and thought that today I would alter the tone a little to reflect this secondary identity.

(Please note: I do not wish to have a political debate on Scotland in Britain. If you were thinking of starting this debate in the comments, please go outside and yell your point into the snow instead.)

So while I do possess a deep desire to pan cancer’s windows in, here are just a few rather more Britishly passive-aggressive things that I hope cancer will encounter.

  • I hope cancer stands on an upturned plug.
  • I hope cancer kneels on a lego (one for the 90s kids there).
  • I hope that cancer pours a big bowl of cereal only to realise it has no milk in the fridge.
  • I hope cancer bites into a raisin cookie, thinking it is a chocolate chip one.
  • I hope cancer stands on a wet floor in its socks.
  • I hope cancer gets toothpaste on its shirt.
  • I hope cancer gets that thing where you are itchy, but don’t quite know where.
  • I hope cancer gets its hand stuck in the Pringles tin.
  • I hope cancer stubs its toe.
  • I hope cancer discovers that there is something sharp in its shoe just as it’s finished lacing them up.
  • I hope cancer’s Youtube videos buffer endlessly.
  • I hope cancer’s seatbelt gets twisted inside the buckle.
  • I hope cancer’s printer jams.
  • I hope cancer says “orgasm” instead of “organism” in biology class.
  • I hope cancer steps in chewing gum.

There we have it. My cancer wishlist. Just a few of the curses that I would wish upon it. Please, please get in touch if you can think of any more, I would love to have a giggle at them. If I get lots, I might even do a follow up post later in the campaign with my favourites.

Cancer is a scallywag. Let’s join together to wish it a horrible weekend.